I needed to make a change. To take a step. To listen to that small, still voice deep down inside that’s been popping up more and more over the last year or so. The one that keeps telling me, every time something isn’t quite going right, every time my body goes through something that it shouldn’t be. ‘You need to take a break from the booze. That’s the only thing you refuse to change. And it’s the only thing that is going to help you change.’
My grandmother passed away on February 17th this year. She suffered from Alzheimer’s disease for the last 12 years. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemies. It robbed her of life. It was a slow, painful death for the whole family. I didn’t think I would be so upset because she was finally at peace when she left us, but it hit me very hard. I couldn’t help thinking of all the times that I blacked out while drinking, and how it was becoming more and more frequent over the last half year or so. Here was my grandmother, who essentially slipped into a 12 year blackout, and I was choosing to do this? I’m already very aware of the fact that I may suffer from Alzheimer’s one day. I’m 32, so how many years would I have until that final blackout? 30? 40? And- again- I was CHOOSING to ingest something that kept me from forming memories and calling it a good time?
So, on Friday, March 3rd, I said no more. It’s imperative that I stop handing over my memories, my life. I will not say this is forever, though it feels that way, but I can at least try this out, experience my whole, full life for the next year, and then see if I really want to go back to that #blackoutlife.