Reflections on 18 weeks….

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Here I am, 18 weeks sober. Best. Decision. Ever. I just can’t believe that I really thought that life was better with alcohol. It isn’t. Nothing feels better than waking up everyday with a clear mind, a body that is ready for anything, and peace.

I’m managing to navigate hanging out with friends (and a husband) who still drink, and whenever I feel a twinge of fomo, all I have to do is wait until they’re all on the 3rd drink and then I see the change that I never want to experience again. Knowing that they’ll have a harder time getting up in the morning and accomplishing anything. I don’t miss that. I seriously thought that the conversations I had while drunk were so profound, funny, interesting. Jeezus. They aren’t! They never were, but when everyone is in the same state, you never find out the reality. I feel good knowing that I can leave at any time, go home, read a little, and fall asleep with zero problems. I’m also learning to say no to hanging out as well, because honestly, if people are just planning to go to a bar and drink, I have no interest anymore. I need activities if I’m going to be around people who are drinking. So I’ve gone bowling, or gone to Beyonce dance parties, or out to see some live music. Stuff that I always enjoyed but forgot that I don’t need to be drunk to do. It was scary at first though. I remember the first time I went to the movies I cried because I wasn’t going to bring a roadie(s) (rum + diet coke) with me and I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through it. A freaking movie! But once you do it, you realize that it’s okay and it’s nice to actually leave the theatre remembering how the movie ended. Once you do it, you realize that you can go out bowling then get up the next morning for an 7am barre class. 

Freedom. That’s what this feels like. I’ve been following Danielle LaPorte’s work for the last 2 years, and have been doing something called desire mapping. You find words that describe how you want to feel everyday, and you build your life from there. Freedom has been on my list of words for quite a while, but I never managed to feel that way in my life. And now I realize that alcohol was keeping me in a cage, without me even realizing it. The day I stopped drinking was the day I realized I had the key to leave all along. Don’t get it twisted- it’s not all a pink cloud 24/7. I have had more than a few moments of struggling with being severely uncomfortable and crippling anxiety, because I realize that I don’t know how to deal with all of my feelings yet. So that is something that 4.5 months in I’m finally starting to delve into, to figure out. I’ve never been good at feeling my feelings, unless they are good ones (surprise surprise). Before I had an alcohol problem, I struggled with bulimia. I think I traded one for the other. So there is a lot of work to be done. But this time, I want to do the work. I want to dive in and know all the parts of me, even the not so great ones. So, with all that said, here’s to the next 18 weeks!

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